I absolutely adore my son, I would lay down in the road for him in a flash, there is nothing I wouldn't do out of devotion to him. I love my life as a Mummy, wouldn't change it for the world...and yet sometimes this little annoying voice in my head starts whinging away. (Psychologists please note this is a proverbial 'voice' not an actual exsistant voice!) This little voice is like a diva whose demands aren't met and she's getting increasingly frustrated!
The little diva voice whines on about feeling like an elastic band that's been pulled to it's maximum, it's stretched so far it's at it's pre-pang elasticity. It's stretched that much that there is no elasticity/room to move left! Usually I manage to block her annoying voice out with a couple of episodes of brain numbing childrens cartoons or immerse myself in work, which I love. But her whinging has been a bit of a revelation for me. (Which I so wish wasn't the case as I daren't give her the satisfaction out of fear for her next demand/revelation about my life, motherhood, the world etc!)
We carry our babies for months, nurturing them and using our bodies to grow them. Many mothers are left with actual physical reminders of this in the form of those marks we all shudder at the thought of...those *looks around shiftiliy and lowers voice*..stretch marks. I'm very lucky I don't really have many, a few on the sides of my hips but I had them before, some of my friends have them quite badly which I know they really dislike. Some brilliant minded Mummies refer to these are their 'war wounds' and their 'trophies' that they nurtured a new life (this is me sometimes). Some people (like me a lot of the time) just see them as a physical reminded that our bodies will never be the same again! Never would I change having my son but it would be nice if I could have kept my pre baby body-it just felt a little...nicer!
Anyway the type of *whispers* - stretch marks - that I am really talking about are the mental ones. The ones I wasn't prepared for, the ones that don't have lotions and potions being advertised as miracle treatments, the ones that no-one really talks about are the stretch marks left on your life and in your head! I often talk about how I made the choice to sacrifice having a disposable income to stay at home with my son, we have no spare money and only just scrape by but it's a sacrifice-a stretch-I make for my son. Everyone is different in this respect so please don't read in to that comment if you're a working mummy, it's just an example!). Financially my stretch marks are deep, scary and threatening that I often fear that change is necessary to remove them...change I don't want to make (return stamping feet diva moment).
Everyday my brain reminds me it's now covered in stretch marks! I have a million and one things to do every day-those people who think that being a stay at home mum means we spend our days with out feet up, watching tv and having a brilliant time, are so ill informed I would love to drop kick each one of them in to reality! Between the on going saga with Joshua's Daddy's ill health, Joshua's current assesments for lack of speech etc, keeping a family running all on my own, running a small business and just about managing to keep myself mentally afloat of the point where my whole body crumples in one massive brain-fart...well, my head is thoroughly covered in stretch marks! So many stretch marks that I sometimes actually forget that I'm only 24!
Most of the time I speed through all the things that have fallen on to my shoulders (these shoulders are broad babies, built to take a stealth of weighty responsibilities!) and never have much time to reflect on my mental stretch marks, but sometimes, just sometimes I wish I could just be a mummy and a twenty four year old! Not all the other stuff! *sighs*
Sometimes I really don't help myself though, yesterday for example in the midst of a mentally busy day and a very healthy looking order book just waiting for my attention...I decided to decorate my kitchen. On my own! It's something I've wanted to do for ages and out of rebellion towards those darn stretchmarks I just thought 'sod it' and did it to make myself happy...although after about twenty minutes and a VERY small amount of painting done, I did realise I had massively underestimated the amount of hard work involved! Typical Chloe hilarity! Got it finished though and I love it and it was nice to take a break from the ever imposing stretchmarks. It was nice to choose to put the stretchmarks aside and do something for me (although I wouldn't recommend anything this strenuous again, more a spa day for a break instead I think!).
So I guess I feel a bit short changed that no-one told me about the mental stretchmarks I would be left with as a mother, a bit like a diva as I contemplate all the jobs and things I have to do which I really don't want to and a LOT like an over stretched elastic band! Oh the joys of motherhood...and life! x
Love Chloe xx