Sunday, 22 April 2012
20 Tell Tale Signs You're A Mummy
As if the birthing process of squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of grape, wasn't enough to convince us of our adaptation in to 'parenthood', there are also several tell tale signs I've noticed that can give away a Mummy. Yup, there is no escape. Even on the off-chance you are without said offspring in tow, there are certain signals that are going to give you away to those around you. What's more these signs are all the more visable in early parenthood, and tend to have the affect of making other mothers pity you, in a 'they want to pat you on the head and tell you in a few years this will all be a distant memory and everything will be fine' kind of way. And for the odd man who may be sensitive enough to pick up on the signals, it makes them want to run home to their wives or own mothers and applaude them for what they go through.
So far here is my list of Tell Tale Mummyhood Signs:
1.In the supermarket trolley you have one end stacked with toddler meals, nappies, wipes and a mountain of expensive 'neccessaties' that look like you are stockpiling for the apocolypse when actually you are just picking up a few bits for the next few days. In the other end of the trolley is a large supply of Gin and Wine, the cheapest versions-may I add because once you've paid for the implied toddler apocolypse you barely have enough money for tampons, let alone decent wine. So it's the cheap stuff or nothing. And we all know the worst days are the ones when you have no wine, so it's a preventative method. Technically.
2. The bags under your eyes can never be covered with make-up. Even when it's troweled on and smoothered so deep in to your pores that it's become one with your skin. Yet still those black ringlets are so noticable you could hold your shopping in them. I've been warned to expect this to be my trademark for the next 18 years. Oh joy.
3. Speaking of make up, your usually very steady, technique perfected make-up application goes on a long term sabbatical. Your face post make-up application now resembels something more likely to have been created by your toddler at nursery usually because said toddler is hanging from, and attempting to climb your limbs while you apply it. Your smooth sleek, shaded and lined eyes now make you look like you have squiffy eyes and look like jagged eyeliner is a new fashion trend. It isn't. Really, it isn't.
4. Obviously your social life has gone out of the window long before now but on the occassional, and I mean OCCASSIONAL girls night out, night at the pub, general party antics etc then your hangover will resemble more of a never ending illness for the following two to three days. Hangovers become so extreme in their ability to cripple your tired-o-meter, make you feel sluggish, sick, generally angry/disgusted at the world (and yourself) that combined with having to look after a screaming, demanding toddler, you begin to avoid nights out altogether. No-one else is going to look after your child while you have a hangover and hangovers and toddlers do not mix.
5. When out on a rare off chance you may be in a public place without your child *gasps* the second a child, any child, starts to cry/whimper/grizzle you immediately stand to attention as your senses go in to overdrive on the worry scale as you try to decipher the cry to see if it's your own childs. It takes a second or two for this to wear off as you realise the cry isn't your own childs personal noise of objection/pain/discomfort/general annoying-mummyness, but someone elses. Instantly you relax so much and go in to an almost glee like euphoria realising it's not a tantrum you have to deal with. Heartless but true.
6. Your handbag has evolved in to a new, child friendly 'day bag' even though your child already has a Peppa Pig adorned backpack for their own worldy possesions aka nappies and wipes. Your handbag used to be something you took pride in, something you treasured, looked after, loved like a child. Now however it's contents are strewed carelessly together bashing tampons and nappies in the same schrunched up area and the bottom is lined with hair encrusted half eaten raisens, 5p's that don't quite make it to your purse and dry wet wipes-useage unknown. (You so need to read my post on the evolution of a handbag if this sounds like you-click here)
7. Your Sky Plus planner used to hold chick flicks you couldn't bring yourself to delete, that would be watched and enjoyed repeatedly while the Mr was out at the pub, along with the odd episode you missed of Corrie, Emmerdale etc and all the 'fashionable' tv shows like Desperate Housewives, Keeping Up with The Kardashians and One Tree Hill etc. Nowdays it's full of feature length episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse which run for over an hour, meaning you don't need to reach for the remote to hold your childs attention as your patience begins to wain on a weekend afternoon. It also features episodes of Panorama about childcare issues, tax credits and episodes of Crimewatch featuring horror stories that have happened to children-just so you can watch them and have enough emotional interaction to make notes on how to prevent it happening to you. Fear is always a huge motivator.
8. Your show-house style home, painstakingly decorated and adorned with beautiful remnants of holidays, shopping trips and the likes now looks like a minimalists wet dream. You have NOTHING kept below waist height unless you don't care about it's destiny, crayon marks line the skirting boards and your kitchen floor always displays a day (or two...or three's) worth of toddler meal splatterings. Your patio doors always cast handprint shadows on the floor when the sun sets, and also show you how much your child likes to press their face against the glass and blow-just for 'entertainment'. Your shoe box has about three pairs of shoes as the rest are all odd-their partner missing in action, probably tried to be flushed down the toilet or used as a rocket and then cast aside underneath an obscure piece of furniture-never to be seen again. Yup, if their is one give away sign of parenthood it's the state of your house.
9. Your legs, whether long and up to your armpits, or naturally curved, will suddenly look like someone has been playing dot to dot on them. The mix matched brown/blue/purple/green bruises from crawling around on your hands and knees playing with/keeping occupied/tidying have left an intricate pattern all over your legs meaning when the summer does finally come your screwed anyway because they will make you look like your child beats you, rather than loves you. Plus they will most probably be so hairy they will challenge your Mr's on the gorilla stakes because Lord knows where you are supposed to magic the time to regularly shave them once you have a child who bangs on the shower door demanding to be let in with you.
10. Your diet is another sign. You finally reach the stage where you don't have to prepare seperate meals for your child at every meal time. They can finally eat what you eat. It's a huge moment because your shopping bill suddenly lets you remember a little more closely what it used to look like when there was no baby in the household to feed. However although you say 'he eats what we eat now' that's not quite true and more often than not-you eat what they eat. Giving your toddler chicken in white wine sauce, or garlic and paprika sausages doesn't seem like the greatest idea especially when you are the one who will have to change the next few days worth of nappies so you forgo the nice marinades and sauces and stick to more plain meals, therefore living on sausages, fish fingers and plain meats just because it's easier.
11. On the mention of food you won't ever have a whole meal to yourself again because no matter how much your child has already consumed, no matter how much is infront of them to entice their little salivating mouths-the second you serve yourself something, anything, then that becomes the object of desire for your childs palette. Your food is always more desirable, tastes better (even when it's the same as theirs) and generally overall makes them want it more.
12. The most exciting part of your Saturday used to be spending the day preening and preparing for a night out, or getting ready for a cosy night in. Nowdays the most exciting part of a saturday is when you walk past the Early Learning Centre and realise they have a half price sale on Happyland Toys. Whats more is all the mums in their are far more excited, buzzing around telling John/Josh/Claire/Sarah how much THEY want this/that Happyland toy when really we as the mothers are far more excited at the prospect than they are.
13. You suddenly get really good (mean) ideas that will hold your toddlers attention span for ages as you know their little minds just won't be able to make sense of it. I'm talking about giving your toddler a scrunched up ball of sellotape to 'play' with and watching (laughing, I know, I'm so mean) as they try to get it off their little fingers. You realise it's the funniest thing you've seen in a long time. Just note that no children were hurt in the discovery of this sign and cut me some slack, I'm moving house and needed to bribe his attention for ten minutes-I'm not all that bad!.
14. When it finally gets to bedtime and you flop in front of the sofa, barely even acknowledging the Mr, let alone being able to say anything that sounds better than a grunt you suddenly realise that your child has been in bed for 20 minutes and you're still watching Handy Manny or Barbie. What's more, you were slightly enjoying this particular episode.
15. You suddenly become obssessed with ebay. With having less and less money and the cost of living going up and up, as well as having children who we all know, just don't stop shooting up in height means that suddendly the online carboot sale of choice becomes your internet homepage. You find yourself listing all your childs old clothes, mixing in the items that you probably wouldn't get away with selling thanks to the odd spaghetti mark etc in with a 'bundle' of half decent items just in order to get rid of it. After all getting rid of one size helps pay for the next and Heaven knows they grow so quick you need to be a millionaire to keep up with them...or an ebayer.
16. Your car which used to be relatively tidy, has now delivered more storage space for toys/distractions than you ever imagined possible. You can fill the back seat pockets with toys, books and various old remote controls etc for your child to play with and for the journeys when these have all been played with and then dropped on to the floor twenty seconds later (and you are driving remember so you can't reach them) you have all your nifty little hiding places full of things like your sat nav holder, cd cases and the odd box of raisens ready to pass over your shoulder to provide further distraction until arrival.
17. Your previously diverse and much treasured wardrobe-whether full of Primark or Dior, now has become full of staples-leggings and tunics...and more leggings and tunics. Suddenly gorgeously high waisted coloured jeans with chiffon tops etc which you would have worn on a 'casual' day prior to child bearing, now are relegated to 'best' wearage and you are only ever seen in leggings...and tunics. Your beautiful French Connection 'going out' dresses now have to be stored in the Spare Bedroom-never to be used again but treasured too much to get rid off (until you're skint and they go on ebay), they are replcaed by-you guessed it-leggings.
18. Dettol Wipes become your best friend. They go everywhere, they clean everything-there is nothing they can't do. No force is strong enough to resist them, the are multi purpose and when your child finds it more entertaining to distract you when you are trying to clean the house, they will help you get the job done quicker because they can do everything. You realise you are in awe of dettol wipes and weep when they aren't on offer in the supermarket, even contemplating abandoning your already full trolley to drive to another brand of supermarket-just in case they are on offer there instead.
19. As your child gets older, wine o'clock gets earlier.
20. You learn to look at everything through new eyes. Eyes that scour every possible nook and crannie for a potential threat/danger. When you go shopping or to a play centre, even to friends houses you are so alert to any potential danger or situation that could cause an accident that you struggle to relax enough to maintain conversations. This alertness has it's drawbacks as you flinch/jump/shout at occassions that don't need it, can be embarrassing especially when you are without said child. I guess you could say you become constantly on edge.
So there you have it, and I can guarantee that deep down inside, all of you relate to/frequently do these things-even if you won't admit it! I hold my hands up and say all of these are me, I must be the most blatant case of Mummyhood, no wonder I scare people off when I weild my screaming toddler out in to public places!
But would I change it for the world? Not on your nelly.
Love Chloe xx