Saying Hello After Saying Goodbye

Today I returned home from three days away from my son. Not only was it (by my personal mummy standards) a long time apart but it was our first ever proper time apart. I went home to visit family and friends and Joshua stayed at home for a weekend with Daddy to do some boy bonding things liek football etc.

Now in the run up to the trip I was getting edgy, rocking backwards and forwards in anticipation and trying to come up with reasons I shouldn't go, sort of thing.. However my partner evetually pushed me out of the door and away I went. Sadly my 'mummy break' was re-categorised when the day after I got home my Grandad (Gandad as I call him) passed away.

I knew he was 'on his way', bless his heart. He's had alzheimers for a long time and has long since forgotten every face that would usually provide familiarity. It's a horrible disease that not only robs life, but takes the one thing we all take for granted-our memories. Alzheimers see's the sufferer regress backwards through their lives and by the end my Gandad resembled more of a young child in his abilities and mannerisms than an 89 byear old man. However we all still loved him regardless. I intended to visit him on Saturday afternoon, but he died in the morning. I feel filled with sadness and not quite sure how to begin grieving for his body when I have greived his mind for a long time already. Regardless of the circumstance, my Gandad was a huge influence on my life and I am forever greatful to have been so close to such a loving Grandparent.

When I returned home today I felt emotionally screwed! (For want of a better phrase!) However this little face appeared and looked at me and melted my heart and some of my sadness away. My son's name is Joshua-Harry (Harry was my Grandads name) and seeing his smiling face, feeling his chubby little arms around my neck reminds me that life is a cycle. It's a book of seasons and this season saw the passing of someone great in my life. But this season also see's me blessed with promise, with potential, with future-all through my little boy. A little boy who carries the name of someone who stood for so much in my life.

It feels like Joshua is a little bit of my Gandad's legacy, a way of leaving his mark on the world.

So like everything my sadness will be a season and when this season passes, we will be left with no more sadness, just memories and reflections. And of course, Joshua-Harry.

Joshua-Harry (half an hour old)