So today I have a bit of a predicament here in The Twenty Something Mum household. Not that this is unusual as I seem to find parenting is a bit like walking around blindfolded trying to dodge fire, sharp objects and hot lava while balancing on a tight rope. Yup parenting can often throw many difficult predicaments at you and you just have to keep moving forward. With this one though I would really like to know what your opinions are and some parent to parent advice is in need please people! You lovely blog readers you *trying to butter you up*.
So here it is. Me and baby daddy were invited to spend a week at Center Parcs in the summer with a large group of our friends. The price was next to nothing as so many people were going and it felt like something we couldn't refuse. Well obviously we could refuse, and that's what I did. At first. Then as I started to think about it, a little flutter of something I haven't felt in a while kicked me hard to alert me to it's presence. Yup guys, I got excited. It doesn't happy often let me tell you! I regularly get excited when nappies are on offer at the supermarket or my partner offers to let me have an extra half an hour in bed in the morning but as for excitement about something un-parent related, well it doesn't happen much. Well, ever! The thought of lay in's that last past 8am, late nights with wine, board games with our lovely friends and lots of yummy food was too much to resist. So I agreed to discuss it.
I wouldn't want to leave my son for longer than three nights as I haven't left him for a night before so the whole week wasn't an option but I knew our friends wouldn't mind us only staying for a portion of the trip. The other issue was childcare. Ok this was really the only issue preventing me from biting my friend's hand off at the offer. My mum is recovering from a relapse of M.E and although we are very close her and my dad wouldn't neccessarily be able to commit to having my son for that duration. They would be my first (and only) choice really but after them the only other options is *dark evil music please* ...my in-laws. Gulp. If you read my previous posts you will know I don't have a good relationship with the mother in law. In fact I would rather chew lemons and nails, while having my fingers cut off one by one and also having every available piece of skin pierced at the same time; than be around her. So the thought of her getting to enjoy my little boy for 3 and a half days was enough to make me refuse the offer of Center Parcs altogether. Sadly my partner and I are not on the same page about this and I can't admit that this is the true reason I had my reservations. So after throwing every 'excuse' in the book I finally gave in to him and my bubbling excitement and accepted the offer and agreed to asking my mother in law to come and stay with Josh.
My predicament is this. What are the etiquette rules that apply when someone looks after your child? Now my parents and two of my best friends have looked after Josh when I've needed it and they know me and the way I parent so a quick list of what he likes/doesn't like/needs to do etc is all I run through before I leave. I think I do this more for my piece of mind than for any benefit it would have for my son as this group of trusted people are more than capable of looking after my toddler! So what do I do about the mother in law when the time comes? I will have some very strict and firm to-do's and not to-do's that she will HAVE to abide by. I say this because she is the most likely to want to try her 'own' ideas about how to look after my son. For example he has strict nap/meal/snack/bath times as I have followed the Gina Ford routine since he was born. So I am not up for her delving away from this for any period of time, no matter how much it messes up her plans. I am the only person who is allowed to mess up the routine for a day out etc. Stubborn, me? Never.
Another thing is their cooking. Being older parents they have very set taste when it comes to food. They use cooking juices, ingrediants etc and re-heat leftovers in ways I don't and nor would I allow for Josh. So this is going to be difficult to address. Another thing is the fact that I know they will want to take my son to their relatives house for the day. This is something I am NOT happy with the most. Last time we saw these relatives, one spilt boiling coffee all over my son who ended up in hospital with burns on his tummy, legs and groin and still has scars to proove it. Their home is also damp, not child proof and not somewhere I want my son to be. I don't care how awful that sounds, my sole priority is my son and this is how I feel. So my question is this how do I go about this? I feel rude dictating how to look after my son when they are doing me a favor so we can have a few days away. However the other part of me thinks it's them who are lucky and priviledged to be able to spend tme with my wonderful son. Oh goodness me, what the hell am I going to do?! I'm already thinking accepting was a bad idea just because of this!
Oh and to top it all off I feel horribly guilty that I'm leaving my son. What if he has a bad dream and cries out for a mummy cuddle in the middle of the night and I'm not there? What if he gets so excited dancing to Mickey Mouse he wants mummy to join in and I'm not there when he looks for me? The look of disappointment I can see filling his face makes my guilt-meter go up a notch. And it's already in the scary red end of the gage!
So my lovely blog readers how am I to approach this? What is the correct way for the parent to apprach babysitting etiquette? ...Please someone make me feel better here!!
Love Chloe xx
Hi Chloe,
ReplyDeleteFirstly your posts to make me smile you put into words a lot of what I've felt before...it's great!
I'm trying to think of a time that my girls have spent a night away from me and they haven't yet. And I'm sure like you if the mother in law had to take them I'd be thinking similarly to you.
My children have however spent their time with other people without me though which has involved the all important dinner/bath/bed routine. It has been just fine. I have written an extensive list of what needs doing and how to do it, I have made sure that everything was super organised and well stocked. But most importantly I have just had to relax and trust in the other person.
One particular day I didn't have a choice as Emily needed to go to the hospital (5 days old) and I had to leave Olivia with her Pop and Nana who had come to visit. They ended up going through her routine and they just had a very brief verbal instruction as I had to get to hospital v.quickly...we came home and there had been no problem she was tucked up in bed and they were over the moon that they got to spend that time with her and get to know her without Mummy and Daddy around.
Go for 3 nights come home after the first night if you need too. Your son will have so much attention and it will be good for him too. If your in laws don't abide by the rules then your son will be the first one to give them hell, so really its in their best interests unless they want to be up all night.
Explain that you aren't comfortable with the thought of him going elsewhere and you'd rather him stay where you knew he was safe (at home) which isn't suggesting that he wouldn't be safe in the company of the in laws but its means you could relax more not having to fret about what he's doing or where he is. (this is not unreasonable at all to feel this).
I think it will be really good and who knows after it's happened the first time next time might not be so bad. It could pave way for a more harmonious relationship with your MinL (although if you said this to me I'd just laugh)
Take a leap of faith, enjoy yourself. x
Arggh its a hard one. I've only ever left Seb with my parents and i trust them to do as i would although i'm pretty relaxed about routine etc. And i dread having to leave him with anyone else.
ReplyDeleteI think its going to require give and take. If you lay down the law, she will probably just do it her own way anyway(she sounds like that kind of person). I think you should go, even if its just for a night. He will be fine, she will probably be so excited that have him that he will be given even more attention then normal and will probably love it, he might even enjoy a break from his normal routine in the same way you will.
xx
Everytime time I leave Willow with someone - even just for a few hours - I worry. But I am always surprised and comforted, that when she returns, she is absolutely fine. I think children are much more resilient than we give them credit for.
ReplyDeleteAs for the in laws, you have just got to trust that they will do the best they can. Your mother in law probably will 'do her own thing' but if there are any problems when you return - and I'm positive there won't be - you will know to make different arrangements in the future.
Hope it works out and you get a well earned break.x
i understand your fears, i would NEVER leave Harry with anyone other than my Mom, and when she was ill (with a blood clot on the lung) i was stuck, because there was no way i would leave him with anyone else. In your stituation, its hard, you could see how you get on, go for the 3 days but arrange to call them at certain times to find out what they are doing, so you no they are on track with routine etc. x
ReplyDeletehope you have a lovely break and it works out ok x
I'll be honest with you, it's the best way to be! Why are you worrying about it? Doesn't your mother-in-law love your son? Do you think he will come to harm in her care? A few days in the care of someone who no doubt adores him and will spoil him rotten will be a lovely treat, not only for him but for you, too. You're able to go away with friends and thoroughly enjoy yourself knowing that he will be well cared for and happy. Just because your mil doesn't do things the same way you do doesn't mean he won't be the same little boy when you return.
ReplyDeleteI hated leaving my daughter when she was younger too, but I soon learned that at that age all they need is love, care and attention. Believe me, when they get older, going on holiday on your own will be a lot more difficult because they have a very clever knack of making you feel guilty.
Go and enjoy yourself. We all deserve a break from time to time and you're being given the opportunity to have one knowing your boy will be loved and cared for.
CJ x
I do sympathise and I hope for you it is one of those things whereby once you have done it the first time, that is the hard bit over and done with. Even if you don't get on, if she adores your son I'm sure she'll do her best to make sure he is 100% happy while you are gone. He might need a break from his routine, as the key factor (you) are gone, so it won't be the same. Think of it as a holiday-at-home for him too?
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I understand your issues about the mil but she is still your son's grandmother, flesh and blood, and you have to believe that she loves him. She must've been at least an OK mother if your OH turned out ok ;-) Its hard to say 'relax' so I won't, but you could do with a few days break and it will be good for their bonding. Who know's it could even go a long way to improving your relationship with her (?), Good luck xx
ReplyDeleteI completely understand your fears, but you wouldn't be going if you didn't trust your MiL to love and take care of him, even if you don't trust her to follow your rules.
ReplyDeleteMaybe look at it that you ARE the one breaking his routine by going away for a couple of days, so a few extra differences probably won't notice in the scheme of things. You can approach it in a neutral way with her, and just say that he is comforted by routine - that way you can give her the full list of what you do, but maybe emphasise the key things that you believe really matter to his comfort, and ask that she does those.
It's hard for someone else to take on your routine, especially if it is a strict one, just like having a newborn again. If it looks completely unachievable, she won't bother at all so being honest, I think you need to relax your ideals, build bridges and make requests that are achievable - halfway between your routine and hers is better than nothing at all.
Oh, and if you're worried about the relatives' house, pre-empt the problem and suggest the relatives come over to yours/your MiL instead where your son has lots of toys to play with. If your son had an accident there before, then you want to make sure his next visit makes him feel safe again, which means Mum needs to be there for comfort if needed!
Woah! Essay... sorry!
ReplyDeleteOk a few things from me to you. You have to prepare yourself that as strict or routined as you are with Josh he may change his behaviours and habbits (through no ones fault or purpose) just because you are not there. For your concerns with sticking to his routine as best you can sit down and talk amicably with your MIL. I had to re-iterate sooo much with mine (especially after the separation) how I wanted to raise my son. But they have raised a child before right? It is only for a few days right? So Josh will be fine. I would offer to help you (if you lived over the road lol). Youngling loves younger children - hence me wanting more doh! Just follow your heart with regards to his child care but also listen to your head and compromise is the hardest thing to adapt to as a new mother but sometimes needs must! xx
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